love

i kne it is painful to hold on.. but i held my tears....

pingz

I know i tend to get so insecure but that doesn't matter anymore. It's not always rainbows and butterfiles its compromise that moves us along....

hmmz.

> > > When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms> > >> > >
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car> > >
stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I> > >
carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home.> > >
She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.> > >> > >
This was the scene of ten years ago.> > >> > >
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money.
When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to> > > ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.> > >> > > Dew came into my life.> > >> > >
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from> > > behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This> > > was the apartment I bought for her.> > >> > > Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her> > > words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife> > > said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive togirls.> > > Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayedmy> > > wife. But I couldn t help doing so.> > >> > > I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,> > > O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was> > > unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the> > > moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although itused> > > to be something impossible to me.> > >> > > However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No> > > matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.> > > Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing> > > dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon.> > > Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer,> > > visualizing Dew s body. This was the means of my entertainment.> > >> > > One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce,what> > > will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.> > > Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from> > > her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know Iwas> > > serious.> > >> > > When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all> > > the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide> > > something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint.> > > She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her> > > eyes.> > >> > > Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live> > > together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.> > >> > > When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve gotsomething> > > to tell you, I said.> > >> > > She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.> > > Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let herknow> > > what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic> > > calmly.> > >> > > She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me> > > softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called> > > answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at> > > me, you are not a man! .> > >> > > At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew> > > she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could> > > hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to> > > Dew.> > >> > > With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement whichstated> > > that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.> > > She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my> > > heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a> > > stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.> > >> > > Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I hadexpected> > > to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of> > > divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer> > > and clearer.> > >> > > A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw> > > her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke> > > up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.> > >> > > She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from> > > me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce,> > > and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her> > > reason was> > > simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later andshe> > > didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.> > >> > > She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning,> > > do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding> > > day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories> > > to me. I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms ,> > > she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in> > > your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this> > > month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every> > > morning.> > >> > > I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days andwished> > > to end her marriage with a romantic form.> > >> > > I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and> > > thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has toface> > > the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less> > > made me feel uncomfortable.> > >> > > My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention> > > was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.So> > > when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy.Our> > > son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words> > > brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room,then> > > to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed> > > her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell ourson.> > > I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door.She> >> > > went to wait for bus, I drove to office.> > >> > > On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned onmy> > > chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her> > > blouse. I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman> > > carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There> > > were some fine wrinkles on her face.> > >> > > On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being> > > demolished. Be careful when you pass there.> > >> > > On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that wewere> > > still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms.> > > The visualization of Dew became vaguer.> > >> > > On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,> > > where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,> > > etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.> > >> > > I didn t tell Dew about this.> > >> > > I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made> > > me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.> > >> > > She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. Shetried> > > quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, Allmy> > > dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it> > > was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not> > > because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in> > > her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reachedout> > > a hand to touch her head.> > >> > > Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He> > > said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an> > > essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and> > > hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would> > > change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walkingfrom> > > the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand> > > surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as> > > if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made> > > me sad.> > >> > > On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a> > > step. Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will> > > hold me in your arms until we are old.> > >> > > I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our> > > life was lack of such intimacy.> > >> > > I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I wasafraid> > > any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew> > > opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m> > > serious.> > >> > > She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no> > > fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I> > > can only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was> > > boring probably because she and I didn t value the details of life,> > > not because we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that> > > since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am> > > supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.> > >> > > Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then> > > slammed the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to> > > the office.> > >> > > When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my> > > wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the> > > greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you out> > > every morning until we are old.